Lately

My life as of late has been both busy and empty, but judging my by mental state I think it's about as far as I can go to either side. So that's good. I think.

I am taking a full course load but I don't feel that school is taking a lot out of me right now, which feels nice after last semester and I also am still liking school. I usually hate it by midterms so we're counting that in the positive category. I really like my classes but I'm not really feeling a lot of growth in myself. This is my fault entirely and I am going to start working on that. The documentary fills that need a little, and a good book, a good drawing and some good pictures should zipper it closed. I wish the good book could be "Me llamo Rigoberta Menchu" but the Spanish reading still takes too much out of me to count purely as pleasure.

These are the books on my list, off the top of my head, right now:

Three Cups of Tea

We regret to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families

A thousand splendid suns

The Kite-runner

Uncle Tom's cabin

There are more, I know, but that's the beginning.

Too Late

It's late and I'm sick and in the middle of mid-terms but I had an overwhelming desire to get on here and think out loud for a minute. Ang and I have been marveling over everything that has happened so far this semester.

First off, I waited all summer and then he got to know me and decided he didn't like what he found. Good riddance. I gave up and then, completely on accident, found a new friend was incredibly happy about it and it felt so right. But I guess just to me. We don't talk anymore.

Then my best friend and I had a silent manuvering of emotions until we found out he was only playing. Now we don't know what to do with ourselves because we practically lived at his apartment. I'm trying not to fall again, because I know it won't go anywhere, but I love being close.

I'm sick, and it just caught up to me.

Emotional battery

The first 72 hours of this week included only 12 that took place in my apartment-including sleeping. I spent every moment at school, or Angela's. Avoiding the void that I feel when I am here. My roommates are nice enough but we're not friends and I've gotten really bad at being alone. I still love my moments of unshared silence but lately my thoughts lead me to subjects that I would rather avoid. I'm having a hard time being where I am, physically, emotionally and socially. I feel like all my conversations take place on the surface, I can feel myself deep inside when I'm supposed to be talking. I wonder if there is an absence when people look in my eyes. I meet so many people that I don't want to know, which is awful, but I don't need casual friends. I want people that I can relate to on a deeper level. I have one person that I can't get out of my head and it makes everything else hard. I hate having to fake emotions and pretend how I feel, I want to just tell and share and touch and say everything-but I can't, and I'm not sure why. Somewhere there are these rules of social deportment that decry actions like that. If I act the way I feel I come off as jealous, desperate and insecure.

I'm not.

I have my problems and my weaknesses but I don't think my desire to share important feelings is a weakness. I do hate how fragile it makes me feel, but only because of the walls that other people construct and the measures they go to to make me feel insecure. Constant attack would shake anyone.

I want to be me and say what's on my mind and let people know that they occupy my thoughts and have place in my heart without it being analyzed and discredited.

I love.

I wish that was accepted.

Not in vain

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain.

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

3 weeks of...freedom?

3 weeks until school starts and I'm having mixed feelings about it. On one hand I know I'm going to be crazy stressed and hate living in Provo again...but on the other I am excited to be doing something again. I've felt so stagnant since I got home-I have a ton of homework that I should be letting keep me busy, but I haven't had the desire.

I've decided though that I'm going to make myself ridiculously busy; it might kill me but I think it'll be worth it. I will be going to school full time, I'm trying to get a part time job, and I really want to get more involved with service clubs and opportunities in the community. Steph Lee and I talked a lot about how we saw that, even though we sacrificed a lot to be in Guatemala and we tried our hardest to do our best, locals always know better. So I should be serving in my local area, because I know how things work here. Mas o menos.

River rafting in the morning-5 hours to be exact. Should be an adventure.

My life is my message

Mahatma Gandhi was the man that uttered that powerful statement, and ss you think of the legacy Gandhi left behind him it seems quite appropriate.

I cannot help but think that it would require a great deal of self satisfaction to be able to say that of one's self. My first thought when I first heard this quote was "I want to be able to say that.", quickly followed by, "I don't know how I could ever deserve it."

I have this immense desire to DO something with myself. I look around me and I see beautiful things and beautiful lives, but I feel this impatience with the ordinary life. I don't want to live the life of everyone around me. I want to be different, not for the sake of being different, but to learn every shape and whisper of the world and every way that I can be myself in it. I want to see everything and know everyone-but I can't take the tourist route either. I want everywhere I go to leave a mark on me, and I want to leave a light behind me. A light in the form of hope or knowledge; or purely love.

I know that those close to me are becoming more and more convinced that one day I'm going to head off and they won't be surprised if I'm not back for a while. I becoming more convinced of this as well.

They might not realize it, but I love my family very much and I really do feel a vacancy when I am not with them, and I want them to realize this, which is difficult with me talking about traipsing the world with them so far away. I know I need to be better about letting them know I love them.

I'm learning, I'm continually learning so much, and I hope to become better at balancing my life and sending myself in the direction I need to go.

One day I want to have a life of love and humbly say

"My life is my message"




"My piece of bread only belongs to me when I know that everyone else has a share, and that no one starves while I eat."

LEO TOLSTOY

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

CHARLES DUBOIS

The return

Hey!

Sorry I haven't been on in a couple weeks. I've been in denial. Remember back when I told you some of our girls were assaulted on the volcano? Well...after a series of steps and happenings that I don't know all the details of...
We were evacuated as a safety precaution.

So I am now back in the States.

As sudden as our departure was and as unprepared as I was to leave I am confident that I helped some people out this summer; and that's what it was all about.

I taught some amazingly inteligent children and got to see their excitement as they counted to one hundred all by themselves in English, described what they were wearing and told me goodbye.

I made friendships that I will never forget and learned things I'll always remember.

And I remain convinced that I'll be back, hopefully in the near future. I am going to return and strengthen these relationships and learn new ways to serve and love.

I would like to express my profound gratitude for the people that I worked with this summer and the people that helped me get there. This summer has forced and allowed me to grow in so many ways and I hope as I return to BYU this fall that I continue to stretch myself and learn more about this beautiful world we live in.